"One less person to care for" Or "Is it really that bad to be a single parent?"

Is it really sad that we have lost or are losing our nuclear families in the United States?  What has happened to the good old days when children could grow up with two parents fulfilling their roles dutifully providing stability and modeling proper social behavior and laying the groundwork for the next generations values, morals and aspirations.  Where has the typical family gone?

What is our idea of what a typical family was?  Dad went to work early in the morning and mom stayed home to watch the kiddos and when the kids went to school maybe she got a part time job to help contribute in some way to the family financial freedom and stability.  When dad got off work he would go out with the boys to maintain his social standing and come home just in time for mom to have dinner ready and the kids homework finished so that the family could enjoy a nice dinner together before mom prepared the kids for bed and cleaned up the kitchen.  Dad meanwhile would enjoy a beer while catching up on the news or latest sporting event and unwind from his stressful day.  Mom would then join him with her magazine or readers digest while he finished his time needed to recover from the trials of the day.  Yes I’m overgeneralizing but you get the gist.

So what was mom’s life like before?  Work all day taking care of the kids only to take care of dad when he got home.  Wait, what?  And what about same sex parents?  Did they not exist?  In fact they did and do exist and research shows that they do a better job at sharing responsibilities raising children than do heterosexual couples.* 

Many single parents don’t suffer from the dysfunctional relationships that many cohabitating partners do.  Staying together just for the kids may be doing more harm than good.  Parents often spend so much time dealing with the challenges in their relationship with their partner that they both end up ignoring the children in the process and the children suffer.  This, by the way, is a great time for the kids to start acting out seeking attention of any sort.  The kids behavior may add fodder to the parental conflict and result in the parents resolve to stay together for the kids.  Maybe sometimes it is better to stay together, if you’re able to work things out and deal with your relationship issues without ignoring the children.  Other times allowing a separation between partners will allow both partners to focus more on their role as parent.  Abuse, parents who travel the majority of the time and parents that simply check out, shouldn’t get a pass just because they sleep under the same roof once in a while.  Not all cohabitating parents are truly living in a dual parenting household.

Sometimes a single parent simply has one less troublesome person to care for.

*http://www.salon.com/2013/06/05/worlds_largest_study_on_gay_parents_finds_the_kids_are_more_than_all_right/   

How will I prepare my children to launch?

As a parent of three teenagers, two thirteen and a sixteen year old, I realize that the day will soon approach when my kids will launch from the nest and embark on their own journey.  Of course I’ll always be here for them but things will be different.  I wonder what if anything I could have done differently to help prepare them for this stage of life.  I also consider that as they become more involved with their own activities I will be faced with reconstructing my relationships, with my kids, my friends and my community.  As I’m in my early forties middle age is quickly approaching and the redefinition of my role begins weighing heavy on my mind.  Many of my Latin friends have multiple generations living in the same household so their kids may or may not launch as early or even at all.  Part of this is cultural and finances play a major role in their decisions as well.  It has always been a given that my kids would go to college and start a working immediately after relocating wherever in the world makes the most sense for their careers.  But why is this a given?  Many of my friends from different culture believe that going to work and contributing to the support of the family is a top priority.  Trade schools or apprenticeships are the norm.  Some of my friend’s kids are the first generation to consider and attend college.  There seems to be a transitional generation where late adolescence continue living at home while attending college.  The idea of having my kids around after graduation is very appealing to me.  In discussions with some friends they have made it clear that they would consider it an insult to the family if their kids were to move out of town or across the country.  The economy is another consideration.  I myself have been faced with economic challenges and have had to rely on familial support more than I would have liked.  If living near each other supporting one another was the norm this might not have been as disheartening and might have even been prevented from happening in the first place.  As I approach this next stage of life I want to investigate why I have the expectations I have and that I’ve instilled in my children.  Family history, economics, and cultural expectations should be challenged in order to make a more informed decision.  Each of my “young adults” have a completely different personality and there is no one size fits all answer for these questions.  While I may not have the answers, I’m thankful to be asking the questions and open this dialog with my kids.  It’s funny how easily we fall into doing things because that’s the way it is or that’s the way it’s always been done.  While we may end up choosing to continue on the same path it will now be with greater purpose and consideration.